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Friday, June 21, 2024

Let’s roast this stupid chair

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Every now and then, the $5,795 chair pictured above comes up in our work chat. This red pleather chair isn’t alone in looking like a nightmare—it features a shockingly popular massage chair design—but it’s the one that seems to follow us around, appearing in targeted ads alongside more typical gaming chairs. When we see it, we feel compelled to hurl insults at it. Here are some of them:

Jorge: Chair looks like it was stung by a bee.

Chris: This is what Bruce Banner’s chair turns into when you make it angry.

Tyler: This is what the Kool Aid Man would sit in if he were a Bond villain.

James: Chair looking like a damn couch.

Chris: It’s width-adjustable, which means it can somehow get even bigger.

Evan: This is actually just the driver’s seat in the new Ferrari Minivan.

Chris: It’s the perfect massager if you’ve ever dreamed of being beaten to death in the back seat of a 1975 Cadillac Fleetwood.

Tyler: Chair looks like Asuka’s magma diving suit. 

Jacob: Looks like the Akira bike if it were the world’s shittiest Transformer.

Jorge: Looks like a person who was turned into a chair by a witches’ curse.

Chris: Chair looks like Evil from Time Bandits uses it to catch arrows.

Tyler: Looks like an animal uniquely adapted to camouflage within a Sharper Image.

Chris: Like the puffer fish, this chair’s natural defenses make it large enough so it can’t be swallowed by other chairs.

Jody: I want to see it fight the giant red crab chair

Katie: I genuinely thought the thumbnail was some kind of slug.

Andy K: Coin-operated airport massage lookin’ ass chair.

Wes: The XFL of chairs.

Andy K: A soft leather cocoon to cry yourself to sleep in every night.

Chris: The worst use of faux leather since Fallout 76’s awful jacket.

Andy K: Perfect for anyone who still sleeps in a race car bed. 

Chris: It’s so hard to get out of it keeps 99 percent of gamers from rising up.

Morgan: Chair looks like we still don’t know why it was banned from Twitch.

Dave: For the low, low price of $5,795, you too can buy the chair which answers the question, “Why does no one love me, for me?”  

Morgan: My car cost that much. Maybe that’s a roast on me. 

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